what I learned this summer: giving my/self away

This pic is only to illustrate, I don't think Josh and I were conflicting :)


Back in college, my favorite verses were always the radical ones, about Jesus coming to bring fire on earth or being crucified with him or beating my body to make it his slave--you know, those verses. My IV friends and I all read "My Heart, Christ's Home" and wanted to give up all for God. That theme has cycled in and out of my life, and this summer it was back in full force. Being at the Matt Redmond concert marked the advent: do I really want Jesus to take it all? Am I ready to live a life of selfless praise? What does that mean? Having Ben, Josh and Aubree with me as living reminders helped, too. Their passion and eagerness to do whatever, go anywhere, at any price rekindled something dormant. I found myself asking the Lord what the next steps are for me to live fully for him.

Coming into the summer, I felt wary and distant. I'd been thinking through the issue of trust, trusting people, for several months with no conclusion. I had this sense of holding back from others, even if I did trust them, and I couldn't get past that. I talked to Amy about it, and she asked if I was confronting others, maybe that was where I was holding back. It was.

I hate confrontation, because I don't want to be wrong and hurt someone unnecessarily. I also hate being the bad guy, and I don't like having to defend myself. So, as much as I can, I avoid conflict. But that's not life, and that's definitely not ministry. And it is also the very place God was asking me to stop holding back and to start giving my self to him and to my brothers and sisters.

So I had honest, confrontational talks with several people this summer. I neither went about it all perfectly nor was I always right. But I was obedient. And it was good. And I knew I was giving all of me away, to God and to people.

I can see, though, where my habitual lack of confronting/speaking the truth in love has been detrimental. Even at my best (most faithful) I still was a bit too passive, a bit too weak, too slow. This is an area that needs more discipline and training year round, not just seasonally. That realization doesn't sadden me, but rather resolves me to strengthen my feeble arms and weak knees. :)