good question, David

I took a walk with David (the youth group leader in Cesky Tesin) and his wife Lucka at CBV, and David asks if I have a boyfriend, which, I don't, so I said no. He then asks if I'm ever angry at God because of that. His honesty made me laugh, but he nailed it. Thankfully, I'm not angry--anymore. But I was, sometime between 25-27 I was so angry I didn't even know what to do. I couldn't believe how unfair God was to not give me what I wanted--not only wanted, but longed for, body soul & spirit. When my (younger) sister Dana told me she was pregnant with her second child, I cried. I labored long and and hard under the misconception that there's something seriously wrong with me. Figuring out who to blame for my unfulfill-ed-ness took a lot of energy, so I usually flip flopped between blaming either my hairy arms, or being a missionary, or God filing me under "second string." Self pity is a swamp. I'm not even exactly sure how I got out of that place. I remember sitting at Borders and reading Elisabeth Elliot's Loneliness and having an aha moment, something like "It's not all about me! ! AHA!!!!!!!" And then that fateful year at Moody, when the reality God's sovereignty finally made it to my heart. Somehow, too, I started believing that God is good. That's really important. Because if he's good, he really cares about what's best for me and will give me what's best for me--and if he's sovereign, he has the right to decide that and the authority to make it happen.

I'm not angry now. And I'm not jealous of friends who make great matches and have beautiful babies. And I no longer think that I'm defective or misplaced. And it really doesn't bother me when girls say "I just hope I won't be 30 and single!" And thinking about being single for another 5, 10 years doesn't make my stomach churn. And I mostly trust God. Mostly! The desires are still there, even stronger, and I have times of sadness. One of our student leaders told me he can tell when I'm feeling lonely, he says he can read it in my eyes. But there's peace and contentment too, so much.

Sidenote: However, Lucka Z. and I are in our third year of attempting to name it and claim it. If you want to know 2008's slogan/vision, you'll have to ask nice. :)